If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
