Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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