When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just high enough for therapy.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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