no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
