i would punch a child for taco bell
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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