I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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