I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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