I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
