im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
