if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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