When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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