he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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