but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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