In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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