Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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