I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
