I think my vagina is haunted
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i think i just lost a toe
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
