So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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