Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
