Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
