I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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