why didn't you poke me back
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
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i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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