Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
