She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
