i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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