youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
