Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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