I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
