alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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