the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
