You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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