true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
