I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just cropdusted the office
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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