we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
