I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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