Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
