If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
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What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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