I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
