I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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