So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
