I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
