I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
