I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
