craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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