he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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