watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
