i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
