I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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