Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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