I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
