yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
