i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
