When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
