Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
