He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
