dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
