I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
