I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
