you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
