People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
