I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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